


I'd Surrender Everything

by WhatsaBex



Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: First Kiss, My First Work in This Fandom, Non-canon Season 5
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:40:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27825424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatsaBex/pseuds/WhatsaBex
Summary: Codex is stopped... for now. But Leland is still out there and it seems he has a new plan but he needs Mac for it. As a mission goes sideways Leland gets the perfect leverage to manipulate Mac into helping him: Riley.
Relationships: Riley Davis & Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016), Riley Davis/Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016)
Comments: 49
Kudos: 130





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I've been thinking about this fic a lot lately. Because S5 is coming in 3 days and it seems we are still not gonna get too much of MacRiley I wrote this snippet for my fellow MacRiley fans on Twitter to make sure we have our needed MacRiley content. It is possibly not even close to what's gonna happen in S5 but IDC.  
> The title is from Celine Dion's classic I surrender, which I used to sing in high school in my private lessons and I just remembered it the other day. The lyrics is simply perfect for a MacRiley edit but I am stupid for that so anyone who is willing to help me out pls use this song for a video with them cause it is pure perfection! 
> 
> "When I watch you look at me  
> I think I could find a will  
> To stand for every dream  
> And forsake this solid ground  
> And give up this fear within  
> Of what would happen if they ever knew  
> I'm in love with you 
> 
> 'Cause I'd surrender everything  
> To feel the chance, to live again  
> I reach to you  
> I know you can feel it too  
> We'd make it through "

**I'd surrender Everything**   
**Part 1**

We had a great plan. Alright, maybe not a great one but at least a good one. Okay, maybe it wasn’t entirely our plan because even though Russ was supposed to be on a leave until he gets better, somehow he still found his way to annoy with his unbelievable plans. It was supposed to be an easy job: Russ found out that Leland, the REAL leader of Codex, might have a rendezvous with a young and possibly stupid millionaire to manipulate him into financing Codex’s newest plans. All we had to do is get into this meeting and make sure they have no agreement and if we are lucky maybe catch Leland. The meeting was scheduled in a new apartment complex which was not yet opened, obviously on the top floor. We had all the information we needed: the who, the where and when. The only issue was to get past the 3 guards outside of the main entrance and then the 20 others up until the top floor… Plus of course the fact they were heavily armed and twice my size had us worried.

  
Mac’s face was probably all over the Codex network so even though he hated us for it, the decision was to send me and Desi in the building, we sedate the guards as soon as we’re inside and then when we are sure no one can kills us from behind, Mac joins us to wreck Leland’s party.

  
“Don’t get me wrong girls” started Bozer “but how will you get through the first round of guards? Because I don’t think your pretty dresses and blushing will melt the hearts of these rocks…”

  
“Fair enough, Bozer” agreed Russ, with that annoying smirk on his face already suggesting he had it all figured out. “They will let them through if they see the girls are in trouble and they need to be saved”

  
“Taylor, what craziness do you have in mind again? And for the love of God, how much money did you spend on this genius idea?” asked Matty before I could have said anything. Honestly, when it came to Russ Taylor, craziness got a new definition for me. Since his all charade with Mac and the Merchant in a “prison”, I knew there was nothing this man loved more than putting on a good show. And of course Matty was right, this time he really lost his mind…

  
“Ready everyone?” heard Russ come in on the comms when we were halfway to the meeting. “I still hate this plan” heard Mac join in, probably sitting next to Russ in the back-up truck a couple of blocks from the apartment. “At least I have a plan, MacGyver, that’s something, isn’t it?”

Even though I was sitting next to Desi in a sports car, yeah, Russ did not save any money on this show, I could still imagine Mac’s pained expression and his eye-rolling to Taylor’s comment. It’s true that most of the time Mac had half a plan or in worse case scenario nothing but how to blow up the entire building we were in. And yet, I would have always chosen his improvisation rather than stay in awkward silence with Desi in a racing car with fake blood on my pretty black dress and a blood vessel under it that will immediately start ejecting the fake blood when we get out of the car.

  
“So how’s the new apartment?” asked Desi to try to break the silence that haunted us since the guys quit the comms.

  
“It’s alright,” I answered. Honestly, I did not find any new flat, I just packed my things the day Mac gave his speech in DC and moved out by the time he and Desi came home. I said later that I had to move immediately before someone stole this amazing place from me but the truth is I had nowhere to go. So I took my stuff and started hanging out in Jack’s place. After all that happened with Codex I had to sit down and accept that I fell in love with my best friend who was in a relationship with my other friend. Or at least they were about to get back together after the “Mac joined Codex” fiasco. Either the last thing I needed was to see them all over the place, happy and together.

  
“Mac wanted to check if you could move in fine the other day but none of us knew your new address,” said Desi.

  
“Yeah, I know, but everythings is okay, as soon as things are back to normal I’ll invite you over, maybe have some Thai food for dinner” I lied and I am not sure but I felt she knew. Desi didn’t try to push too hard this whole friendship thing which I was very thankful for. She was a hell of a fighter, that was never in question but since Russ and her turned on Mac I found some sort of caution rising in me when it came to trusting them. It seemed though Mac was more forgiving about the case, or at least that one time when we met after the Hart Senate, they seemed to be back on track again. Good for them…

  
“All right, ladies, you are three blocks away from Leland’s so let’s get the party started, shall we?” asked Taylor again. Desi and I just shared one last concerned look and then she gave all of her might to the accelerator. One block later two cars started chasing us and fired at our car.

  
“Russ, I really hope your men know they don’t have to kill us for real to make this opt look real” I was pretty much annoyed with the whole show we were putting on lately. I just wished we could go back to the times when all we needed was Jack creating a distraction, while I hacked every system to get Mac in position safe and sound.

  
“Ye of little faith, Ms Davis” Russ thought he was being funny, but in my dictionary he was being overconfident. I swallowed a not too nice comment about him not having faith in the most important moments so maybe he should keep his mouth shut.

  
As soon as Desi turned the car to the entrance of the building where Leland was the car was shut down manually but to the guards it seemed like our car might have given up the chase. Desi jumped out and ran to my side and started dragging me out. The fake blood started to stain my dress and as she took me out of the car, my “blood” was all over her white shirt, too. I was trying to play my part believably, looking all weak and in pain why she screamed to the guards for help and said that someone is after us and they will come back soon. Luckily, the big boys seemed to buy our act and helped Desi pull my body in the hall. And that’s where our luck ran out. As soon as the guy turned around to notify his boss about what was happening, another one started to come closer and closer to take a look at my wound… Things happened fast, but one thing was sure as hell: Desi attacked first. I had one injection full of sedative with me and I used it against the guy who turned around to call Leland. Right when Desi hit the other guy, I put the first one to sleep and then went to help out Desi while the two others were going after her.

  
“They were buying it” I spit out the words while one of the guys tried to choke me.

  
“No, they weren’t” answered Desi with such confidence I wanted to strangle her for real. If she just trusted me and waited one more minute, everything would have been just fine. But no, she had to be right… She managed to get his opponent down and then tried helping me when the elevator opened and there he was.

  
Leland did not at all seem surprised to see us there. He just nodded to the guy. I assume the millionaire we were supposed to stop, and then waited patiently while his men attacked us. I heard Mac’s voice saying in my comm that he is coming but he was still at least 5 blocks away he could have never made it. The last thing I saw was that Desi was thrown to a wall and then Leland saying: “No, not her, she will be useful” and than...

When I woke up my head was hurting more than ever, so did my chest where is ws most definitely kicked so hard at least one of my ribs had to be broken. But the worst was my arms. I could not feel them at all, even though when I looked down they were right where they had to except for the fact that I have been tied up to a chair and something was injected into my arm… Great, Riley, this is just great! Next time Russ opens his mouth, shut it for him! I was not alone in the room that much I knew but my head was dizzy and it was dark, I could hardly see any silhouettes. And then he spoke:

  
“Morning, Ms Davis, I hope you had a nice journey here” Leland seemed to be amused by how things turned out for him. Ma was right, he just had that type of a look which made you feel less, not enough like he was smarter, taller and more than you. It took him a couple of beers after our mission at the dam to admit this but now I saw it. This guy was intimidating despite the fact he was old and not much of a physical threat.

  
“Where the hell am I?” asked him but my voice was barely more than a whisper. “Where is Desi?”

  
“Now, Ms Davis, don’t bother yourself with questions you will soon have the answers for. Have a little patience, if you will” his voice was so calm it just made my blood boil more and more. I tried to turn around and take a better look at my surroundings, who knows maybe I’ll need to make sure Mac and the others find me. “No need to tire yourself with figuring out where we are, Mr MacGyver will know exactly where to come.”

  
“What are you talking about?” I stopped my useless fighting, it was not doing me any favour to hurt myself more while he was apparently having the higher ground. I had to find out as much as possible about why the hell he brought me here if I wanted to get out.

“Mac is not stupid, he would never walk into a trap like this and you know it!”

  
“Of course he would not, under normal circumstances, I mean” agan, his smirk was just growing on his face to a wide smile. That kind of all-knowing reminded me so much of Russ I got an itch in my hand to slap him. “However, I made sure, our friend, Mr MacGyver got a very clear message as soon as he arrived at the hotel.”

  
Yes, I was definitely not happy with Desi right now. I was pissed at her for many different reasons and a part of me was willing to admit I might have been a bit jealous as well, but I would have never wanted her dead. My fear must have appeared on my face, too, because Leland moved closer.

  
“Don’t worry, I am not a fan of useless deaths, your partner in crime, Desi if I am not mistaken, is still alive.”

  
“You don’t believe in useless deaths? Sorry but it’s way too absurd coming from someone who was willing to kill off almost half of the population not long ago…” just because I was tied up, that did not mean my tongue had to be tied, too. _To Hell with him!_

  
“Their death was and still is for the greater good, Ms Davis, it is not about senselessly murdering others because that’s what I do in my free time.” before I could have come up with another not too nice response the phone in Leland’s hand started ringing. “Oh, it seems your friend finally got the message. Let’s see what he’s got to say.”

  
“Leland” it was not Mac, but Matty on the other side of the phone to Leland’s big grief. “I wish I could say it is lovely to see you but you have one of my men and I very much would like to have her back.”

  
“In that case, I suggest you put me through to our mutual friend, Mr MacGyver.” Leland obviously wanted nothing from Matty and went straight to the point. In a couple of seconds he got what he wanted. “Oh, Mr MacGyver, nice to meet you again.”

  
“Where is Riley?” Mac’s voice was filled with so much anger it took a lot of effort to hear he was scared. Yet, I knew it, he was always scared when something went off rail and one of us got into trouble. My only hope was that he was not planning anything stupid.

  
“Oh, your friend, Ms Davis and I are just getting to know each other better. You see, you took your time to find my message, but it’s alright.”

  
“Where is she? I want to see her!” It was not simple anger and fear, Mac sounded desperate and it was not a good sign. Leland turned the phone toward me and for a second Mac and I could look into each others’ eyes. I was scared, more than I ever would have admitted it but not for myself. Mac whispered my name and looked at me through the camera as if wanted to grab me and hug me. I wished he did. And at the same time I wished he did not looked so eager to do something because it was exactly what Leland wanted. After a couple of second, the phone was turned away from me and Leland walked to the other side of the room.

  
I could hear Mac’s voice even if Leland was standing farther from me and kept his back to me so now I couldn’t see the video with Mac’s face. But I knew his voice, I knew every sound and how they were connected to a certain face only he could make. Never in my life did I think that a grown up man could look like a child tearing apart the microwave and then in the next moment look like a crazy scientist, ready to take out the bad guys with one big kaboom. Yet, here he was, Angus MacGyver, my Mr Can-do.  
 _Riley, stop it, now!_ I caught myself going with my thoughts on a path that was way too dangerous even in my own room, let alone when I was held hostage by Codex.

  
“Let her go, Leland. You want me not her, so let’s just make a trade” _hell no, that is absolutely not happening._ I was just about to tell him to not even think about it when Leland started to speak.

  
“You see, Mr MacGyver, I am afraid I cannot do that” he took his time talking, obviously wanting to say the perfect things to lure Mac into a trap and my Spidey-senses started tingling. _Seriously, Riley? Spidey-senses? You really have to quit watching late night movies with Mac and Boze._ “If I remember correctly you said yourself: you’re a package deal. Which means I can’t let her go, I need the full package right now so here is what we are going to do…”

  
When he disconnected the call and turned to me his face was pure satisfaction. He knew he got Mac exactly where he wanted him.

  
“I really admire your talent, Ms Davis and I am truly amazed by Mr MacGyver’s capabilities, too, but you see I have my own talent as well. There is nothing that could escape my attention and I can read people just like they were books and as soon as you and your friend walked into Codex’s base I knew more than you would ever think. The way you saved him, oh yes, Scarlet told me. The way he was relieved to see you, to have you with him. The way you two did not want to leave each other when you got to the base. The way he hurried to you after our meeting, yes, I saw that too, there is a good reason I kept the whole area under my watch.”

  
I was scared before but now, I was terrified. I knew perfectly well where this whole thing was going on. Leland seemed to know the secret I was trying to bury deep in my soul, something I swore never to tell Mac. And now, here I was, kept hostage, waiting for him to show up. Because Leland was right. Even if it was a stupid idea, Mac would never leave anyone in here. Not Desi or Russ even if they abandoned him, and definitely not Bozer, Matty or Jack. My heart already knew what my head did not want to accept: today someone is going to die and even if I survive, my heart may not.

  
“I admit I might not be such a genius as Mr MacGyver or yourself, Ms Davis, but I know the one thing that always triumphs on logic: love.”


	2. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I can't express how greatful I am for your comments, kudos and love. I am really trying to give you my best here. The problem is that my mind can go rougue sometimes and it happened today. The story was supposed to be one chapter about Riles getting kidnapped, Mac coming in as Mr Can-Do and then bamm first kiss.  
> Yeah, my dark side, Void Bex thought: to hell with it let's blow this whole shit up so, here is part 2 and get ready cuz at least 2 other parts are coming possibly this week. 
> 
> Love ya all, and keep calm only 2 more days!

**Part 2**

**“I reach to you, I know you can feel it too”**

After that, time somehow slowed down and sped up simultaneously. Every minute seemed like an eternity and yet felt as a blink of an eye. I had no idea what Leland had given me but my body was weak, I could barely move my head, meanwhile my mind was rushing through all the possible scenarios that might happen. I finally understood what Mac might have felt every time a mission went wrong. I usually tried to be optimistic however this was not the moment when I could really think of happy things. No, this time all I could hope for was that Matty and Bozer stopped Mac from doing anything stupid, putting himself in danger to help me out. When I joined the Phoenix I knew what I was doing. After my break up with Aubrey I knew that this was the right decision for both of us. I knew this isn't a life he deserves and I wanted to protect him even if I could not protect myself. As my mind kept travelling further and further, my last thoughts before blacked out were how much I wanted to see Mac for one last time, how much I wanted to thank him for bringing me out of that prison. Yeah, I already said it before but at that time I did not know how thankful I really will be. He put me on the right course of life, showed me how much more I could do. Even if it had to end like this as a hostage waiting for the moment when I’m no longer useful it was still worth it and I had no regrets.

The squeaking noise of an opening door brought me back to my senses. Deep down I really hoped I was imagining it or it was just one of Leland’s men. But the truth is I knew very well that it was Mac. I had to muster up all my strength to open my eyes and look at him, rushing through the door purposely looking for me.

“Mr MacGyver, how lovely to meet you again” said Leland with fake courtesy.

“I'm here now as you wanted so let her go, Leland,” demanded Mac. He was talking to him but he was still looking at me. I could see his eyes going through the room trying to figure out a way to get us out of here immediately and then look back at me. His determination changed into sadness and regret, which meant he kept his promise and came alone. The look we shared told me what he was thinking: _ I'm so sorry, Riles _ . I tried my best to communicate with him this way, too, just like we always worked without words, telling him that it's not his fault everything is going to be alright. I tried to put on a little bit of a smile but I could not find the strength in me to be convincing enough.

“As I already said it I'm afraid I cannot let her go yet, however, if you do what I'm telling you then you might both just get to live one more day” Leland took some steps to the back of the room where a table was covered with sheets. “Here's the thing, I need your help with this, Mr MacGyver” under the sheets was a replica of the exact same nuke that was destroyed at the dam. I didn't have to think too much to know that the one we destroyed earlier was just a prototype or possibly a fake one because Leland was not trusting enough to let Gwen have such a weapon. So here we were again, the same scenario: two people trying to stop it and someone who wanted it to go off and destroy half the planet. 

“You are out of your mind if you think I will help you kill all those innocent people out there,” said Mac. “My aunt died so she could stop you because she realised at the last moment that there is always a better way. You did not find it because you are not doing this to protect our planet or to save the population. No, you're still doing it because you want power and chaos.”

“There needs to be chaos, Mr MacGyver, before there could be order” said Leland with such a contemplative voice as if he was a teacher educating his student, uncovering the big truth about the world. “But learning from my mistake with Gwen, I expected you to be so uninterested in helping me out here. Your aunt’s judgement was clouded with emotions, the sudden love she found for you and it derailed my plans but you see in the right hands love can be a very powerful source of motivation. This is exactly why our good friend, Ms Davis, is with us right now. You have a very simple choice to make, Mr MacGyver, either you help me finish what I started before you so rudely ruined my plans or you can say your last goodbye to Ms Davis. The choice is yours.”

Mac looked at me with prayers in his eyes. I knew what he was remembering, this was the exact same situation as the one with Charlie. I was being used and it was me or millions of innocent lives just like it was either Charlie or all the other people in that hotel. Truth is it wasn't supposed to be a hard decision. Mac knew as well as I did: sometimes we can't save everyone. Sometimes a sacrifice needs to be made and it seemed it was me this time. 

“Just to help you with your decision a little bit” I heard Leland’s voice again “and to make sure you do not think of anything else except for the one thing you have to focus on right now, I thought I should invite an old friend to this beautiful reunion.”

The following moment all I could hear was a whistle coming from my back and I didn't have to try to turn around or even open my eyes to know exactly who was entering the room. Mac took a sharp breath and in the next moment he started moving.

“Nah, nah, nah! No cheating, Boy Scout” Murdoc's voice filled the whole room with more tension than the unveiling of the nuke. Our situation was already dangerous enough with Leland’s calm and strategic plan but add Murdoc and his spontaneous psycho behaviour to the equation you got a huge bomb which was unstable possibly going off anytime if one of us took one wrong step.

“So now, all about cards on the table, Mr MacGyver, the stage is yours” sat down on a couch not far from the weapon and comfortably crossing his arms in front of him just watched as the scene went on. Mac tried to take one more step closer to me just to check if I was alright but before I could have said _ don't do it _ I heard a clicking noise from behind and then the unmistakable feeling of a gun being put to my head erased all thoughts from my mind. Mac froze, his face turned from being angry to being desperate he started looking around again, looking for anything he could use as a weapon, anything that might help us escape the situation but with no success. All left was just Murdoc’s annoying laugh in the background and Leland’s satisfied smile as he watched Mac fall apart in front of him. After a couple of seconds he realised nothing else could be done, I saw him going deep into spiraling, running his fingers through his hair clearly blaming himself as if it was his fault.I wished I could have ran to him and grabbed him, saying there was no going back from what was happening since we went on the mission it was none of his fault. Right now, he had to relax and make a decision. And not just a decision, but the right one and he knew what had to be done.

“Hey look at me, Mac,” he froze his eyes slowly filling up with tears. “It's alright, I got you” I said the words that I already told him so many times that haunted me in my dreams. I got him and he got me. Truth is is the first time he looked into my eyes and made me feel I was capable of more than I dreamed of, was the moment I fell for him and every other time when he hugged me, told me I could rely on him, that he will always there for me just made my heart bigger and fuller of love. It's always been him even when I didn't know it and now when it was already late I didn't care about showing him how much he meant to me. I didn't care about dying either. I have been in nasty situations before and I'm not going to lie I was scared most of the time. Death was definitely not something I was looking forward to. But if I had to decide between my life and millions including his life, the decision wasn't hard. When Mac looked at me again he must have known what I was meaning to tell him. He started shaking his head saying  _ no no no so _ . I said again out loud but with more determination and strength: “everything is going to be alright, you can do this…”

“No, Riley, don't say that” he tried turning around again looking at Leland maybe thinking he could make another deal or he could escape the situation if he just tried to talk to him. But he didn't even try when he saw Leland’s face: there was nothing left to say. I said his name again, letting all my emotions hit him. It just felt so natural to say his name with all the love I found in myself, I didn't have to keep it to myself anymore, I didn't have to pretend that this feeling wasn't rushing over me every time I looked at him. So I just said his name> “Mac! Mac... we can't always save everyone” I said slowly letting tears run down on my face “but you can save them”

“Oh, look at them!” Murdoc interfered the moment, “really feels like we're a family here right? After all the time that we spend apart from each other I would have thought you already moved forward but no, Boy Scout, no. It’s amazing how much of a genius you are and yet what a fool at the same time… It seems though I shouldn't have kidnapped your Nasha, was that her name? No, you are really good in hiding your feelings, Angus, so good you even played me! But I'm afraid we have an urgent business here so unless you want to see your beloved Riley bleeding out here in front of you, I suggest you start working on that” pointed to the table with his gun.

“No, don't do it!” I raised my voice again as Mac moved closer to the table. “No you can't do that! We already lost so much I know! But what is one life compared to billions?” I cried now. 

“Riles… I can't… not when it’s  _ you _ ... I can't lose you, too. I can’t do this without you” for a moment I thought it was only me and him. If it wasn't for Murdoc’s little mocking laugh behind me I would have said it because seeing him willing to sacrifice millions of lives just to save me meant something. In the corner of my mind a hope rose: maybe he felt the same way as I did. Because if it was a turned situation I knew I would have done anything just to protect him but no matter how much I loved him no matter how much I wished it was true, things had to be done. A decision had to be made and if I wanted to protect him from all the pain that was coming at him then I had to be the one who made this decision for him: maybe if I made Murdoc mad enough to pull the trigger, Mac wouldn’t have to live with the thought he was responsible for all of this.

Without thinking it through I used Murdoc’s lack of attention and with all my leftover strength moved my head and smashed the gun out of his hands. A split second later, Murdoc hit me hard in the face but by the time he leaned for his gun, Mac already got it. Leland sat up on the couch, looking all fascinated with the turn of the events but he still felt in power. What I did not calculate into my plan was that Mac did not care about anything anymore. He took the gun and without hesitation shot Murdoc in his chest twice. Knowing how much he hated weapons except for the once he made out of soap and a sock or anything he just found around himself, it hit me deep. He did that to save me? When he was sure Murdoc was no longer a threat he turned around but Leland was nowhere. In the heat of the fight Mac did not see where he went, and I was way too worried about Mac my possible concussion to keep tabs on him, either. 

“Hey, I am here, it’s okay” Mac kneeled in front of me, getting ready his Swiss Army knife, cutting me free. 

“Wait, he could still be out there, waiting for us to leave so they can kill us” I was hanging on him with all my might when he made me stand up.

“It’s alright, there was no one outside when I came in I assume they were in hiding, but Matty and Russ got together a whole army. They stayed a safe distance around 10 miles away from here. As soon as Murdoc came in I signed for them, they should be here any minute now” he explained while he checked I was alright. His eyes scanned all possible injuries, the fake blood on me, the cuts from the fight at the hotel, the visible injection mark on my arm and the bruise on my face thanks to Murdoc. 

“I guess the black eye I just got is not gonna match my dress, so maybe we should get out of here so I can change into something more suitable” suggested jokingly while he smiled at me with that special smile he seemed to reserve for situations like this. Everytime we survived a near death situation, he looked at me like this. In these moments it would have been so easy to think he loved me. It was scary how close I was to saying out loud what I was thinking when he hugged me. For a moment I forgot all the pain, Leland, Murdoc, Desi everything and everyone. It was just me and him and nothing else seemed to matter. 

“I think they are here” said Mac and moved away from me when we heard cars getting closer to our spot. Now that the thing Leland gave me was running out of my system, I saw that we were in an abandoned warehouse, filled with old furniture. The couch Leland was sitting on seemed to be dirtier than the floor. 

“Wait, what about the nuke?” I just realized.

“Don’t worry about it, it’s a fake. Saw it not much after I came in. You see the panel, it’s not even real…” Mac rolled his eyes. He seemed so different from what he looked like 5 minutes ago. 

“So you were never gonna help him? It was all just an act? Let me guess, Taylor’s idea?” I was starting to feel the backlash of my honest reaction. Everything I said… the way I said his name, I made myself vulnerable in such a way I never imagined before because I thought this was our last chance.  _ Come on, Riley, play it cool. You played newlyweds before and he made that believable too, why is this different? _

“Hey” Mac stopped and turned to face me, while his hand remained on my arms to make sure I didn’t fall. “It doesn’t matter if it’s fake or not, don’t you dare to think that I would ever hesitate to save you…” he said with such sincerity in his voice I almost started crying. “Yes, you’re right we can’t always save everyone, and I learned that the hard way, but I will always make sure I save you, you hear me? You’re not alone, and you never will be.

I wanted to tell him everything, then and there. Tell him how much I love his kindness, his honesty, his strength and just all of him. I wanted to let him know all I could think about in my last preparing moments was him. How much I wanted to kiss him back in Germany. How it hurt to see him with Desi but I was still happy for him because I thought that was what he wanted, what made him happy. How I never wanted to let his side after what happened with his father. There were so many words stuck in my throat when I saw him lean in, ever just slightly, as if the moment put a spell on him. I started leaning in, my hands slowly moving up on his arms when I heard it. 

The familiar clicking that froze my heart not long ago just went on again and in the corner of my eye I saw movement. Without any hesitation I grabbed Mac’s arm tighter than before and moved right in front of him just in time to catch the bullet that was addressed for him. The doors both on the front and in the back opened up with loud yells and before Murdoc could have tried again, Desi was already on him. Relief rushed through me when I saw Matty and Bozer hurry in after Russ. It was such a warm and happy feeling to know everything is going to be alright now. But not for me. Relief left my body as fast as it came and instead there was nothing else left but the pain in my stomach and the warm flow of my blood where Murdoc got me. 

“Riles, no, please, don’t do this to me!” Mac started panicking when my knees gave up and I fell on the floor, bringing him down with me so I was resting in his arms. Actually it wasn’t such a bad feeling now that I thought about it. With one hand he pressed hard on my wound, screaming for anyone and everyone to get him things. “It’s alright, I’m here. I got you” he looked down on his bloody hands then back at me. People started gathering around us, I felt hands all over my body now but all I could see was Mac’s face. “Why did you do it? Why couldn’t you just stay where you were and let me…?”

“Where’s the fun in that?” I repeated the same thing I told him before when I jumped after him. He half heartedly laughed but immediately stopped when I let out a sharp wince due to the pain taking control over my body. By this time he had to know. I told Bozer I don’t want to say it out loud, but some actions speak louder than any words. I would have done anything for this man. I trusted him and that he would always have my back. I respected him and how kind, generous and caring he was. I opened up to him and let my guards down when I was with him. I forgot about all my fear when he was near me. I dared death upon a dance just to keep him safe. 

As my line of vision slowly narrowed down, and all my strength left me hollow I raised my hand to touch where his smile was still lingering but if it ever made the journey to his painfully beautiful face, I didn’t know...


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one took me a while because I had a lot of work to do (being a teacher sometimes sucks...) and in the middle of last week I had a so called deep day (yeah, being bipolar sucks, too...) so this chapter is kinda sadder and more about thoughts nad feelings rather than action. But we are getting there, I promise. I already started Part 4 and I know what I wanna do with the story but I am not sure if it's the end. Maybe I have some other tricks up in my sleeve, we shall see... But for now, enjoy and pls leave comments I love to read them. And if you have any ideas, wishes about what could happen in this storyline, tell me, I'll make everything work out for MacRiley.

**Part 3**

**"what would happen if they ever knew / I'm in love with you”**

I was so tired and sleepy but thanks to my line of work (and of course thanks to MacGyver who decided to play Bob the Builder almost every morning while I was living in his house) I woke up to every small noise, no matter if it was a threat or not. Or at least it felt like waking up. But even though my thoughts seemed to be flowing just perfectly fine no matter how hard I tried my eyes did not seem to respond. Neither did my arms. Or my feet.  _ It’s alright, Riley, think! _ I tried to calm myself, but not being able to was one my biggest fears. It felt like my limbs were strangers, as if they did not belong to me anymore. For a moment I thought this is it.  _ This is how death feels like? _ But a part of me knew, it was not over. It had to have some kind of logical explanation. Mac would know what’s happening. Mac… 

“Come on, Riles, you gotta wake up” heard his voice. Did I just think of him and he suddenly appeared? I wished it was that easy, just wishing for him, wishing for us to happen and bamm. “You know what? Let’s make a deal. If you wake up, we go together to Yellowknife, you can have as many marshmallows as you want, and I’ll tell you all about the Aurora how it is the result of disturbances in the magnetosphere caused by solar wind and these disturbances are sometimes strong enough to alter the trajectories of charged particles in both solar wind and magnetospheric plasma....”

“I am not sure if you want her to wake up, or bore her into sleeping again” came Bozer’s voice from somewhere farther. 

“Haha, funny” responded Mac. “Laugh as much as you want but it’s a deal she can’t resist.” And he was right, I would have done anything to go on our imaginary honeymoon in Yellowknife. Keep the marshmallows, I only needed him. 

“I bet” there was something in Bozer’s voice that told me even if they were joking both of them were sad and helpless.  _ What a weird dream this is?  _ Or if it’s not a dream what is happening? “How is she?” 

“Stable but the doctor said she lost a lot of blood and after the internal bleeding was stopped there were some complications because the bullet got her liver… I was told to be patient, the next couple of hours will tell” Mac’s voice was so helpless like he has given up all hope on happiness. I wanted to hug him, tell him I am alright, but was I?  _ My mind is playing tricks with me, that’s it. This must be a dream and soon I will wake up.  _ “I don’t know what to do, Boze… I just don’t know. But I can’t just sit here and wait for her to wake up. I mean look at this place! It feels like as soon as you enter those doors every bit of life is suked out of you. And this smell...It feels like something is always hanging on me, on us, and I just want her to wake up so we can take her home…”

And he was right. My senses started turning on, I felt the bed underneath me, something in the mattress on my right was pricking my side. I could hear chatter from the distance, a loud call for Dr Martin in room 23. I could smell the unmistakable scent of disinfectant and some kind of flower.  _ Sunflower? _ There was this distinctive scent about it, wasn't floral, but reminded me of honey. Only a special breed of small sunflowers had this smell, which I told Mac when once we were having a stake out not far from a florist. Also told him that this is the only type of flower I like, not roses, or tulips, but this because they always look for the sun, it guides them.  _ Just like Mac is your ray of sunshine, guiding you to happiness?  _ No, that is just a dream. A dream that has to be kept hidden in my mind. 

“Mac, you should go home…”

“No, I am not leaving until she wakes up and comes home!” his words were soaked in pain and anger. But not towards Bozer. “I can’t leave her here, she did it for me! I am supposed to be in that bed, not her. Why did she do this?”

“You know why” said Bozer, his voice suddenly coming from closer. “Because if you saw Murdoc first, you would have done the same for her. But listen, you can’t do anything else for her now. She’ll wake up soon, and I doubt she would want to see you in the same clothes with her blood all over it. Go home, take a shower, rest, if anything changes I’ll call you.”

“You’re right, I need to change” gave in Mac. A strong squeeze at my left hand, the hand holding mine full of calluses. He was sitting right next to me, holding my hand all along and now that he let go a sudden emptiness hit me. “I’ll be back in an hour.”

“Mac, you have to rest, too” tried rationalizing Bozer but there was nothing to do.

“I’ll rest when she is home, safe where she belongs” a sudden deja vu washed over me. There was a time when I did the same: just watched him in that prison and could not leave the war room until he was safe. It honestly felt like another life, even though it eas just a few years ago. “So you’re on watch for the next hour and if anything changes, if she breathes just slightly differently you call me.

“Don’t worry, Blonde, we will” Matty’s bossy voice filled the room. “But for God sake, go and change! And yes, that’s an order. We will stay here. 

No more replies came from Mac but somehow I felt when he left the room. Suddenly it was colder, my hands started to ache, and pain returned to my body. Yeah, I was definitely in a hospital, I felt the bandages around my stomach, the needle in my arm must have been coming from the infusion full of sedatives. But as the pain started to emerge I could barely listen to what Matty and Bozer were talking about next to me. My head was pounding, I thought Murdoc probably gave me a nice concussion beside a black eye. 

“The doctor said she should be awake in a couple of hours” Matty’s words reached me. “They gave her a lot of sedatives and painkillers but it should be clearing out of her system soon. I wouldn’t worry about her so much, she is one of the toughest people I have ever met in my life.”

“Yeah, she definitely is” agreed Bozer. I felt a feather like caress on my arm which sent warmth through my body. I had my family there with me. Everything was going to be okay. “Truth is I am more worried about Mac. He is a mess after what happened, he thinks it was his fault.”

“I know. But it will pass as soon as Riley is awake. He’ll calm down, trust me. All he needs is to see her okay” Matty sounded confident which made me feel calm and worried at the same time. “ What we need to focus on right now is to give Riley time to get back on her feet because these two function best together. Meanwhile we have to find Leland and finish this once and for all. Just wait until I get that bastard in my hands, Mac will be his last of concerns. I’ll go check on Russ and Desi, maybe they got something. You stay until Loverboy comes back…” 

“Wait.. what? But, how…?” Bozer sounded just as shocked as I was. In the background the panel that was checking my vitals started beeping faster as my heart rate suddenly jumped to the sky. “You knew?”

“Bozer, I work in intelligence. It is my job to know things and to be honest these two can sometimes be so transparent as the windows behind you” pointed it out Matty and I was about to die, but for real this time. “And before you ask, I can assure you I knew a lot earlier than them. I had my suspicion since I started working at the Phoenix but I was sure after your undercover opt with Leanna as newlyweds on your honeymoon. Frankly, I have been actually rooting for them even though I know how hard it is to be in love with someone who is constantly in danger. But they seem to work perfectly and that’s what matters.”

“You think they will ever…?” 

I could not process where and how this conversation was going. I felt like an intruder, breaking into other people’s thoughts. But the words they said were not understandable for me. I should have known though that Matty sees and knows everything, it shouldn’t have surprised me. Yet, about Mac… no, she must have misunderstood something. Mac was my friend, my family, and that’s all I was for him. My feelings were only my fault, and I had to take care of them. He seemed happy with Desi, and that was all I ever wanted for him: happiness. 

“I truly don’t know, Bozer,” answered Matty after a long pause. “But what I do know is that they either figure it out soon or it will cause a lot of trouble. They are in perfect harmony now, sometimes it feels like they are reading each other’s thoughts, but they are both stubborn and broken in their own ways. I see the way they look at each other in danger and I think they could heal together but if it goes on like this it might be their death. Just like it happened with Leland, he saw what I did and used their feelings as their weakness” she took a deep breath, obviously searching for the right thing to say. “But don’t worry, Bozer, what Leland doesn’t know is that their feelings might be their biggest strength if they finally accept them.”

Matty’s words kept repeating in my head as I fell back to sleep. I didn’t even move a finger, yet I was exhausted. A part of me knew I shouldn’t have heard what they said. And another part of me knew, no matter if I denied it or not: there was no going back now. The fact that not only Bozer, but also Matty knew my secret crept into my soul and woke up a long lost fear. I didn’t want to lose what I had at the Phoenix but I could not stay either, knowing they looked at me with pity, possibly waiting when I would snap after seeing Mac with Desi. I didn’t want to be the reason or the opportunity for Leland getting Mac and by that finally reaching his goal. Matty was right, it was too dangerous, even if she was wrong about Mac’s side. Because she had to be. No matter how smart she was, this time she misunderstood his reaction. He was my friend, my family and he tried to keep me safe while I let my feelings run rogue and now he felt responsible for me being shot. I was not ready but the only right solution for all of us was to leave. 

“Girl, you should really wake up, I am so bored and Sparky was right, your snoring is terrible” Bozer brought me back from my half-asleep state.

“Take that back…” my voice was hoarse but he heard me. This time it took me only a couple of tries to open up my eyes. The whiteness of the room almost blinded me but I tried to move my focus to Bozer’s shocked face.

“Oh my God, finally!” Bozer was so happy he almost jumped to hug me but when I winced he stopped. “Hey, stop, what are you doing? You need to rest.”

“I am resting, Boze, I just need to sit up, so instead of hyperventilating would you help?” tried to sound annoyed to cover the painful sighs coming out of me. Now that I was up, I felt that a lot of other things hurt not just my stomach or my head but basically everywhere. 

“How are you feeling? Should I call the doctor to check on you? Or maybe Mac?” I was actually about to say yes until he mentioned Mac. No, I was not ready for that conversation just yet. 

“No, don’t. I am alright, no need to call him.”

“Riley, what’s wrong?” I really wished Bozer was not so attentive. I just wanted a bit of peace before the storm, I didn’t need questions asked. 

“Nothing, I just… I just want to rest a little. Tell me what happened” he must have seen something on my face, or maybe the tears gathering in my eyes gave him a hint, but he did not push me.

Instead he started telling me the whole story from the moment they heard Desi attacking the guy at the hotel, Mac freaking out and yelling at Russ to get there but he was sure we could handle the situation. After that everything was chaos. They found Desi unconscious, took her back to the Phoenix and when she woke up asked her what she remembered. Bozer seemed to color the story as usually when he described how mad Mac was, and how he yelled at both Russ and Desi. He actually told them not to come to the hospital but stay at the Phoenix and get Murdoc to talk. Mac was about to go out alone to find me but when Desi woke up she found a phone in her pocket. When they called the last number on the list they saw Leland. Bozer was in a very exciting part of his story how the team got together and they were hiding in the woods not far from the meeting point, when Mac rushed into the room.

“Told you, one hour, and I could grab her favourite sweets from the…” when he realized I was awake he stopped. “Riles?” 

He hurried over to my bed so fast I thought he would push Bozer to the wall. He sat down on the edge of my bed, scanning through my face, if I was sitting somehow wrong, possibly trying to see if I was still in danger. His worry washed over me, made me feel loved. But not the way I wanted. His face brightened up with the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. He was so relieved and happy, he grabbed my hand in his, holding it the same way as he did in Germany. I survived a gunshot, but my heart seemed to give up now. When he saw me moving a bit farther on the bed to give him more space and slipping my hand out of his, his facial expression immediately changed from happy to worried again. 

“Is everything okay?” I could not force more out of myself but a little nod. He didn’t seem too satisfied with my answer so he turned to Bozer. “I thought you will call me when she wakes up.”

“Hey, relax, she woke up like 2 minutes before you came back” Bozer tried to calm him. For a second he didn’t seem convinced but then just turned back to me.

“How are you feeling, Riles?” 

“I’m fine” I answered as convincingly as I just could but when I tried to turn my head to Bozer, my line of vision blurred out and I winced. Mac noticed immediately but before he could have said a thing, started talking again. “Seriously, guys, wipe of those worrying faces, I am alright, this…” I pointed to my stomach “it’s barely more than a scratch and my head doesn’t hurt more than the morning after Jack and I had that vodka shot-competition”

Bozer’s face turned from sad telling me he believed that I was really okay. He jumped on the topic without hesitation, joking about how Jack was trying to make us all dress up as cowboys and go on a karaoke night, and ten seconds later he was falling on his face in Mac’s living room. It was probably one of the best nights of my life, and after everything that has changed in the past years all I could think of how much I wanted to talk to Jack. Maybe he could have told me what to do about this fear crawling inside me, and how to move on when I see Desi and Mac. But then again, it was Jack who sent Desi here while he was away, he must have had a good reason, probably were good friends. And of course he had this whole “I am your father, Luke” type of behavior when it came to me. No, he was not the man I should have talked to. All this worrying and thinking about the  _ what if _ s, trying to figure out the best way to get out of my let’s say unlucky situation, it all started to give me a severe headache.

“You sure, you’re okay, Riles?” Mac asked for the third time in 5 minutes. I honestly wanted to yell at him, for no reason if I wanted to be honest, but then I took a deep breath and nodded. “Anyways, I’ll go and look for a doctor, let’s get some heads up on when you can come home.” Again…  _ come home _ . As if he forgot we were no longer living together. As if he wanted to make my heart hurt more and more just by making me dream of us going home together. 

“I’ll go, you stay here” offered Bozer and by the time I could have shot an angry look at him, he was long gone.

The room filled up with silence in the blink of an eye but none of us seemed to care about it. I was staring at the window, trying hard not to look at Mac who was looking at me with such a quizzical look like I was some kind of mathematical unknown he had to figure out. We could keep this peaceful scene for more than a minute when Mac finally broke the silence.

“Are you hungry?” asked and in return my stomach growled.  _ Traitor!  _ He just smiled and grabbed the bag he had when returned from the table. “I was driving by that old bakery on Wright Road and I grabbed some of your favourite chocolate chip muffins” my arms were already on the way to take the vag from him when he lowered his head to look in my eyes. “You know, kinda like a  _ Thanks-for-saving-my-ass _ present.”

That fragile happiness bubble we were in for the last couple of minutes bursted with one sentence. He wanted to thank me for something that came as natural as breathing for me? I myself didn’t even know why, but I felt violated by him thinking he had to thank me for it when the truth is by saving him I saved myself. If he… even thinking about the possibility of losing him made me breathe heavily and my heart started hurting.

“You don’t have to thank me for anything.”

“Yes, I do!” His voice cracked a little, then suddenly he put the bag away and moved closer to me on the bed, keeping both of my hands in his. “You saved my life and almost died… I was the one who should have been shot, I was supposed to be there to save you, not the other way around.”

“Mac, stop it” my voice was a lot stronger than I would have expected it but my initial fear and sadness was turning into anger.  _ That’s it, Riley, do what you always do, drive everyone away… _ “I am not some kind of damsel in distress. Yes, I was kidnapped, but it happens, what we have to do is make sure Leland is in a dark room soon alongside Murdoc. And yes, you came to rescue me, but taking that bullet for you has nothing to do with it. You saved me and I saved you because that’s what we do...”

“You’re right, but it’s getting out of control, Riley, and I don’t want to put you into a position like that ever again!”

“Well, I’m sorry but you don’t have much choice about it. I won’t be staying in the lab like some sort of a scared little girl, while you are risking your life…”  _ No, you will be far far away, trying to forget that you ever met Angus MacGyver… Yes, great plan, Riley. _

“I am not saying you should never go on a field mission ever again” he seemed to be getting upset slowly. “I am saying, stay safe inside the Phoenix until we get the rest of Codex because if we get into a situation like that again…”

“Then I’ll do what I have to,” I said without hesitation, because it was the truth. “Stepping in front of you was the easiest decision I ever had to make, and if we ever get to the point when somebody shoots at you but I can save you, you can bet that I will grab you and kick your ass out of there, even if I catch a bullet in the process!”

“You see, that’s it! You shouldn’t have to do that!” Mac leaned in closer, squeezing my hand a little tighter than before. “It’s not your job to protect me, Riles, and it is definitely not worth it to die for me.”

“Maybe not for you!” I wanted to scream but my voice was now barely a whisper. He didn’t understand, and I had a feeling he never would. The way I would have done everything for him just proved that I was irrevocably in love with him and yet he still talked about how it is not my job. “I am not just a hacker, Mac, and I may not be the muscle like Jack or Desi but if it comes to the point to choose, I will always choose you! It’s not about the job, or how you are the most important agent that Phoenix has. No I will always protect you because I care about you and the thought of losing you, coming home from a mission knowing I would never see you again because I didn’t save you and you bled out in my arms… I would choose Murdoc shooting me all over again instead of losing you.”

“Riles… I…” He was at loss of words, and I was at loss of feelings. What I just said was just one step away from telling him I love him. I might not have used the same words, but the meaning was the same, and now I prepared myself for him telling me that he cares about me but not that way. That he loves Desi, and we are just best friends. I closed my eyes to try to hide that I started crying but he let go of my hand and with one touch under my chin lifted my head so I had to look into his eyes. Into those beautiful cobalt blue eyes. Those eyes could have saved me from all the pain in the world if he felt the same way as I did. Instead of saying anything, he caressed my face and swept away some running teardrops. After knowing how I screwed up everything with my reaction, because even Angus Emotionally Clueless MacGyver had to understand what my words meant, my silly brain still tried to trick me into believing he was about to kiss me. Yes, he was moving closer, but not for a kiss… Maybe a hug? Or a kiss on the cheek as a consolation prize?

“Are we interrupting?”

Mac moved away first but we turned to the door at the same time to see Desi standing there with… “JACK?!” Mac and I asked in unison.  _ Great, just in time for the big finale _ …


	4. Part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, THE chapter, the one that made me want to start this fic. I am never satisfied with my work but I didn't want to keep it to myself for the next 10 years so take it or leave it, guys.   
> I have some ideas in my sleeve for at least one more chapter (we need happy chapter, am I right?) but afterwards I am not sure yet. 
> 
> Thank you so much for all the love guys, especially to my twitter family who are putting up with my break downs all the time. (If you wanna join me and suffer together, or just laugh at me my Twitter is @whatsabex10)
> 
> Love you, guys, take care <3

**Part 4**

**“Right now, there's no better time, From this fear I will break free”**

As soon as Jack stepped in the room with a very serious and confused Desi on his right, I wished I was still unconscious. Mac seemed to be as shocked as I was but he didn’t give it too much thought. After a minute which felt like an eternity, he stood up and hugged Jack. He smiled back at him, patted him on his back and turned to me, concern in his eyes.

“Riley, what the hell? It seems I can’t leave you alone…” Jack crossed his arms in front of him. Even though he tried to seem like a strict father who is about to say I am grounded, I was happy to see him. 

“Hey, it’s not her fault, Jack. A lot of things happened…” started Mac, trying to clear me out but he was not in the mood.

“Oh, hell yeah, I know!” Jack seemed pretty pissed. “I was in a pretty bad shape after a dead end with a lead on Kovacs, so I went to a nice old bar in Budapest, when a friend of mine from CIA told me they heard about the whole MacGyver fiasco, and how I must be relieved because eventually you got cleared… and I was sitting there more clueless than ever. I get that I have been away for a long time, but damn it, guys, can’t you just take the phone and tell me what’s happening here. I really hate hearing about you joining some terrorist organisation, and you going with him. I’m seriously losing my mind!”

Jack’s outburst caught us all off guard. Since he left we all felt something was missing and yet we barely spoke to him, just like we did with each other after Phoenix was shut down. A part of me felt stupid and ashamed, while my other part knew we had our reasons. Jack already had a lot on his plate with the hunt after Kovacs, and it was already taking a lot longer than any of us expected. He had so much to worry about already, we didn’t want to give him any reason to worry about us, too, even though things were going crazy real fast since the return of Phoenix. Each one of us missed him deeply; that was no secret and since Codex I had been wishing he came back.  _ I guess this is why they say: careful watch you wish for…  _ Now that he was standing there and looking at us almost as if he was hurt by us my already shattered heart just broke into smaller pieces. 

“We are so sorry, Jack” I said and tried to give him my warmest smile. His fatherly heart softened and he stepped to me to give me a hug. 

“So what’s the deal here?” he asked and Matty who seemed to appear from absolutely nowhere with Bozer, rolled her eyes.

“The deal? You mean, how is she, I assume that’s your question, Dalton?” Jack pulled his favourite yes-Boss-Lady face. “The doctors say she is going to make a full recovery, in a couple of weeks she can be on missions again. But they want to keep her in for tonight to make sure everything is fine, tomorrow morning you can go home” she gave me an encouraging smile, while I tried keeping my happy face on. In a couple of weeks I won’t be on missions and she needed to know. 

“That’s great” Mac stepped closer to my bed again. For a moment I almost forgot he was still in the room which was promising. Maybe if I focus on everything else entirely one day I will be able to get him out of my head.  _ Highly doubt it… _ “But still she is going to need to rest and somebody has to be with her just to be sure everything is fine” he continued and then looked me deep in the eye. “You shouldn’t be alone in your new apartment, so while you are recovering why don’t you come back to my place, this way I could be there if you need anything” he offered sweetly and in the corner of my eye I caught Desi taking a step backwards, pressing her lips hard together. 

“What new apartment?” Jack asked and the alarm immediately went off in my head.  _ Oh, no, no,no…  _ “Relax, Mac, she is gonna be just fine now that I came home. Oh, and Riley, you know I am happy with you staying at my place but could please not hang cable on my Die Hard poster? And could you sometimes clean up the kitchen? It’s full of take-out boxes.”

I was so screwed. First, I almost admitted to Mac I loved him.  _ Actually, twice… _ Almost ruined our friendship, and got almost killed, but I survived. Then Jack came and dropped the bomb, it was just great. With fear in my eyes, I looked up to see both Bozer and Matty were looking at me sad, Desi trying to look anywhere else but the scene unfolding in front of her and then Mac… Mac staring at me with confusion and maybe disappointment. I wanted to explain myself, tell him I didn’t mean to lie to him. I knew how much he valued honesty and that was why we always worked so well because we could tell anything to each other. Except for how I really felt about him. Everything happened because my stupid heart decided to beat for him. And him only. 

I was about to say something, anything to make him understand but before I got a chance a nurse came in my room and sent everyone out saying I needed to rest, and honestly she was right. My shot wound was the least of my concerns at that moment but I still felt drained when I was left alone to sleep. Mac was the last to leave the room, but before he closed the door he gave me a look that made me cry until I finally fell asleep. He was not mad at me. No, he was hurt. All those things I did, everything just to protect him and now he was hurt. I hurt him and he was right.

The next couple of days flew by faster than Taylor’s jet. Jack came for me next morning, saying the others had a mission, and took me back to his apartment. Truth be told, I was grateful for this new assignment, gave me a couple of days to pull myself together and figure out a way to say my goodbye. After my night at the hospital I cried myself to sleep everytime and Jack knew it. He tried to get me to tell him what’s wrong because we both knew I wasn’t a crier, but I couldn’t say a word about it. Instead of that I told him everything in detail since he left. A couple of times he got mad and said we should have called him but otherwise he seemed to be entertained by our adventures. When I told him about Mac and Desi his face proved he already knew about most of the story. I tried to sound as happy as possible but it was harder than expected. 

After 4 days, the team returned and visited me. All of them were there and for a short time it almost felt like the good old days: Jack joking around, Matty calling him out, Bozer telling his funny version of the story which Russ immediately narrated in his own way, and then… there they were: Mac and Desi. Both of them sat there in silence. Desi said a couple of sentences just to annoy Bozer but Mac… not even a word and that meant things were a lot worse than I originally thought. He didn’t look at me mad, didn’t seem sad or hurt anymore, he was just sitting there, contemplating sometimes forcing on a smile when Bozer or Jack called him out. The night ended early, everyone told me to relax so I can get back to business soon except for Mac. Before leaving he looked at me, said a quick get well and left. I was in a thousand pieces. The others came in the next couple of days, checked how I was doing but not him. Once in a while Jack left to meet him, have a beer at his house but never at Jack’s. I already felt the weight of everything crushing me down when after 2 weeks Matty came to tell me if the doctor clears me, I can join the team on the next mission to Luxembourg. I have been thinking a lot about how to tell her. Should I write an official resignation? Can we even resign? I had no better idea so I just put it all out when she started debriefing me about this small terrorist group in Luxembourg.

“I’m not going back,” I said plainly. Matty didn’t ask back. She knew very well what I meant and because she did not seem surprised she must have been expecting it for a while now. “I’m sorry, Matty, but I can’t do it anymore. I am leaving the Phoenix.”

“Riley, you are one of the bravest and smartest people I have ever worked with” she said, nothing but kindness in her otherwise firm voice. “I know what happened is scary and you don’t know what to do, and how to deal with it…”

“It’s not about the kidnapping, and Murdoc trying to kill me,” I stopped her. “I am not afraid of him or Codex… I am just…”

“I know, I wasn’t talking about Codex either. Listen, I know how terrifying it can be to admit to yourself you are in love with someone who might never feel the same way. Trust me I have been there. But you are one of the most important people in the Phoenix, and the talent, the skills you have! You are making a difference in the world. You can’t quit on this.”

She was right. I joined them because I wanted to use my knowledge for good, help others, and I never for one second regretted it. But I knew and she had to know just as well, if I stayed, eventually my mind could not keep it anymore, and my feelings caused just enough havoc already between me and Mac. He could not talk to me, barely looked at me, how could we work after all this. 

“I’m sorry, but I’ve made up my mind.”

“Alright…” she accepted it a lot more easily than I thought she would. “What do you want me to say to the others?”

“I’ll figure something out to tell them” I told her. She nodded and stood up, getting ready to leave.

“I think you should tell him at least. He deserves to know.”

“It’s better for him, this way, trust me. I’m already messed up, I don’t want him to feel it’s his fault…” 

“Who knows what he would say” she commented, a little smile lurking around the corner of her mouth. Right before she left she turned back. “Just before you quit, could you at least fix a couple of things at the Phoenix system? You’re the only one who can do it.”

I was happy to help her out one last time and I had to admit, I updated the Phoenix networks and all systems from the Stone Age stage to Back To The Future level, so it was my duty to finish my work. Turning back from the door, after Matty left, I caught Jack standing in the door of his room. He didn’t say a thing, his face unreadable. He just turned around, went inside and closed the door after himself.

Next evening, after everyone left the building I set up my gear in the war room, sitting comfortably in one of the armchairs. I was still trying to figure out everything, how to tell the others I am leaving, how to say goodbye to Mac, where to go or how to find a new job and a place. My mind was racing through all of these questions while my fingers were typing to correct a couple of mistakes in the security systems code. I was in my own place when suddenly the war room door opened and Mac rushed inside. He looked at me shocked while I sat there frozen. 

“Riles? Where is everyone else?” he asked.

“Uhm, I don’t know, I am the only one here since Matty left around an hour ago” I said finally finding my strength to get out of the chair and stand up. “She asked me to fix some issues and I can work a lot better when no one’s here to talk to me.”

“Yeah, I know” he nodded and then shook his head. “I don’t get it,I got a text from her to come immediately, we have an emergency…”

“Now that we have!” Matty’s face appeared on the screen suddenly, almost making me jump out of my skin. 

“Matty, what’s going on?” I asked but deep down I already knew the answer because Jack just walked into the frame to stand next to Matty. They were in Jack’s place.

“Riley, you are there to fix a problem, and Mac is there because this is an emergency mission.”

“Matty, please… don’t…” I was terrified because I already knew what she wanted me to do. Ten other lives wouldn’t have been enough to get ready for that.  _ What a shame Murdoc is not here to shoot you, hah?  _

“I’m sorry, Riley, but I cannot accept your resignation until you at least talk”

“Resignation?” Mac raised his voice and looked at me as if I just slapped him. “What is she talking about, Riles? You can’t leave! Is it because I told you to stay here until we get Codex? I just wanted you to be safe, not to get rid of you!” 

“No! It’s not…” I was about to explain it to him but Matty and Jack were still on the screen waiting for the conversation to unfold. I couldn’t do it. Not like this. “Okay, I gotta go.”

As soon as the words left my mouth, the war room door beeped and the lock light turned to red. We were under lockdown. I turned back to the screen.

“I can’t believe this! Are you seriously doing this to me?”

“Trust me, Riley, we just want the best for you and running away is not like you. You are though, but now it’s time to be vulnerable” said Jack and then they signed off. 

It was only me and Mac now and a room filled with tension and a secret that was like a timed bomb waiting for explosion.  _ Maybe Mac could disarm it, right Riley? _ After 5 minutes of trying to override the lockdown and open up the building, I gave up, and threw my computer on the table. In the meantime, all Mac did was pacing around the room like a trapped lion, occasionally looking at me with disbelief. 

“Okay, I can’t hack the system, I wrote, it’s way too good” I said standing up. “So now it’s up to you to Mac-hack the door and get us out of here.”

“No.” He said only this much. A plain no.

“What?” 

“I said no. I am not going to come up with a crazy idea to blow up the door when there is a much simpler solution” he said and sat down. “Jack and Matty are right, something is up here, and I am not going anywhere until I figure out what’s going on. First you move out at lightspeed because you found a great place, then it turns out you are living in Jack’s apartment. Then you decide to quit and don’t even bother to tell us? Riles, this is ridiculous. We never lied to each other before, why are you now? Did I do something wrong? Please, talk to me, because I have been thinking for weeks now and I just can’t figure it out.”

Mac usually didn’t speak too much except for when he was explaining things mostly making sense only to him or when he was upset. I saw his face, tortured, trying to fix what I have broken. My plan of simply leaving and never looking back, hoping one day he leaves my thoughts was never going to work, now I knew. I loved him and it wasn’t going to just go away after leaving this building. But making me say it out loud was one of the most painful things I ever had to do. Not because I thought he would be mad at me or say anything mean. No, I knew he would be the kindest, telling me he loves me as a friend and that would hurt more than any gun. After saying out loud nothing would be the same ever again, every time he would be tense and always careful around me, making sure not to hurt my feelings while he is happy with Desi. I couldn’t do it. I had to find another way. 

“I don’t owe you an explanation, Mac” scaring away others, distancing myself was always one of my faults but it worked every damn time. “I never pushed you to explain why you do things, when you left and started a new life with Nasha. Didn’t tell you to explain why you never called after Phoenix was shut down. That's because we don’t own each other explanations about our private lives. We worked together and now I want to move on.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it!” hearing him swear was like a cold shower, waking me up. He was getting angry.

“You know what, Mac, I think you have a lot more pressing issues than why I am leaving. For example how in secret you are still going after dead ends about Codex outside of missions, don’t think I haven’t noticed. Or how you are not willing to look at any picture about your parents anymore. Or maybe that after Desi held a gun against you, you just moved on and never even tried to talk about it, just decided to live happily ever after. You have a couple of holes in your own life that should be fixed first before you try giving me advice.”

“I don’t understand this…” he couldn’t stay put anymore, jumped out of the armchair and started pacing in the room again, running his fingers through his hair. “In the hospital you said you would not let me go out and get myself killed, how I could always count on you having my back. In Germany you said I was not alone…”

“Don’t worry, Mac, you have people having your back” I assured him, my voice was just a bit bitter than I planned.

“No, there is no one else” Mac almost yelled at me which put me off for a second. “You were the only one trusting me when I joined Codex, you were always the one telling me I can deal with anything, and then you almost died for me? Riles, I can’t even remember how I could do anything before you, it seems every time I face something you are there next to me, helping me through. You can’t just leave me! Not after all of this! I thought you cared about me more than this…”

Seeing him like this just made me realize why Matty thought I should tell him. He was crushed, the genius who always knew the answers was in all despair, and I was to blame. He lost so much already and now I decided to take away our friendship too, something he could always rely on because I assured him, I would never leave him alone. Not telling him why I had to leave would have left him with an open question, just like his father left him with one in his childhood, and I knew very well how much it hurt him; how many years he spent trying to get the anwer; how much pain it caused him. Leaving him the same way would have been the cruelest thing I could ever have done to him, and no matter how much it hurt me, I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting him. 

“Of course you mean more than that…” I started, my voice barely a whisper but he heard me. He turned to me and listened carefully. “I meant what I said in the hospital: I will always protect you if I can because I care about you. I care about you so much it drives me crazy, I forget all logical thinking when it comes to you and I jump in front of bullets just to protect you. I care about you so much I want to be with you all the time, let it be a lazy Sunday on your couch watching Marvel movies or going out, catching terrorists and almost dying in the process. I care about you so much I don’t care how much it hurts me to see you with anyone else, I just want you to be happy. I care about you so much I’d rather leave Phoenix and never see you again instead of staying and slowly losing you. I care about you so much that it makes me cry every God damn night because I want to look you in the eye, even though I know you don’t feel the same and tell you that I don’t just care about you as a friend but I love you with every broken piece of my heart.”

And just like that all of it was out. The weight on my chest lifted, my shallow breathing being the only thing breaking the silence in the room. The moment froze and we stood there looking at each other as if we were just two figures in a painting. Alive and dead at the same time. The door suddenly beeped and the red light turned to green. It seemed Matty and Jack decided enough was said and I couldn’t have agreed more. Everything was laid on the table, my heart kicking its last beats before giving up. I hurried to the door but took one last look at Mac before leaving the room. I needed something as closure so I looked deep into his eyes and tried to memorize the grey pecks in his blue eyes that made me think of the beautiful cobalt blue sky when the sun was slowly going down.

“Riles… wait, don’t I get to say something?” he asked when I turned to open the door. He looked like he was about to break down or hug me but I could not stay a second longer.

“No, I don’t need to hear how you care about me, but just as a friend, because I don’t want those words haunting me for the rest of my life. So no, you don’t get to say anything” I said, and I knew I was being unfair with him, he couldn’t be blamed for not feeling the same way as I did. The heart wants what it wants, even the famous Angus MacGyver was not enough to hack it.  _ Except he could hack a heart… your heart…  _

My mind registered a weak  _ okay _ coming from him, but my hands were already shaking showing I was not too far from crying so I grabbed the handle of the door and opened it halfway. One second later, Mac’s hand reached out from behind me, pushed back the door with all his might, his heavy breathing hit the back of my neck. I took one breath and started turning. 

“Mac, let me go…”

“Never” he said and when I finally faced him his lips crashed with mine, and nothing else existed for a moment. It was only him and I, and a kiss which was my own ambrosia, bringing me back to life and never letting go.


End file.
